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Lesley's Odd Little Whose Line Space


Ryan Stiles | Colin Mochrie | Greg Proops | Drew Carey | Wayne Brady | Chip Esten | Brad Sherwood | The Gang | Quotes | Polls | Sounds | Links | Awards

"If I were a man with gills, I would be a fish!"-Ryan Stiles

"If I were but a man who would be tall, I would be me."-Ryan Stiles

"We're expecting a lot of rain in the state of Oregon, so let's just get rid of Oregon."-Ryan Stiles

"I put it on my head like so, and I look like Jiffy Pop. That's why I say, Jiffy Pop."-Ryan Stiles

"I can't sprinkle sprinkles on. I lose control when I have sprinkles. I'm shaky. I still remember the great sprinkle accident of 1982."-Ryan Stiles

"Never trust sheep"-Ryan Stiles

"We're evil Smurfs, we're evil Smurfs, we're evil, evil evil Smurfs!"-Ryan Stiles

"If I could rap, that would be a sensation, but I can't, you see, I'm just a Caucasian"-Ryan Stiles

"Care to be touched by an angel?"-Ryan Stiles

"You made me giggle."-Ryan Stiles

"When it comes to making love, I may not be the best, but I'm damn gouda."-Ryan Stiles

"I look like Walt Disney just threw up."-Ryan Stiles

"That is raw dough. Never eat raw dough. They can make worms in your tummy. Worms in your tummy."-Ryan Stiles

"You know, I've got a confession to make myself. I'm not really a priest, I've just got my shirt on backwards."-Ryan Stiles

"It's the mummy from Canada."-Ryan Stiles

"Well, I'd like to thank everyone who made this...what? Satan is my master?"-Ryan Stiles

"I'm Jim Phillips, I have multiple personalities. I'm also a skindiver, a puppeteer, and I was the tenth president of the United States."-Ryan Stiles

"Ladies and gentlemen you'll hear a lot of rumors about stars, how much they make...Drew Carey for instance a lot of people say he made forty-five million dollars last year. After he pays taxes he's lucky if he clears thirty million ladies and gentlemen. A man has to eat! Please, Gary Coleman is a security guard! Send your money now!"-Ryan Stiles

"The sky, the sky beyond the door is blue."-Ryan Stiles

"The cat! Stop it with the cat!"-Ryan Stiles

"Back off or the lizard gets it!"-Ryan Stiles

"Songs of the beekeeper, a very lonely profession. That's why we have four thousand songs... on four thousand CD's."-Ryan Stiles

"The first rule to living in America is 'Stop tap dancing, you fool!'"-Ryan Stiles

"I hope they aren't mating."-Ryan Stiles

"I'm saying its already chewed."-Ryan Stiles

"You're just a chicken, but what the cluck?"-Ryan Stiles

"Only your chicken impression can save us now!"-Ryan Stiles

"If I were as much of a man as my woman, I'd be my wife."-Ryan Stiles

"What do I do when we're not taping? Sit in a dark room and refine my plans for someday ruling Earth from a blimp. And chess."-Ryan Stiles

"Unless you're Drew Carey and get it free from Warner Brothers.!"-Ryan Stiles

"And now I'm stuck with a very very huge man whose name happens to be Mo. Oh, Mo!"-Ryan Stiles

"I remember him dying on his deathbed, saying to me 'Your cheeks look so cute when you smile.'"Ryan Stiles

"The good news is your surgery was a success and now you look like a movie star! The bad news is that movie star is Drew Carey!"-Ryan Stiles

"It all started with a badly timed bald joke!"-Colin Mochrie

"9 out of 10 Americans believe that out of the 10 people, 1 person will always disagree with the other 9"-Colin Mochrie

"Give me liberty or give me a bran muffin!"-Colin Mochrie

"There's many times this year I've sat back and thought, I'm making a living from making things up. It's the only skill I have so I've been really lucky."-Colin Mochrie, Interview

"Get my brown pants!"-Colin Mochrie

"Hey, Ryan, if Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?"-Colin Mochrie

"My God, youre beautiful! Kiss me, kiss me like youve never kissed an anchor before!"-Colin Mochrie

"Well, it seems all the fish in the rivers are dying. Could this be an act of cod?"-Colin Mochrie

"We'll be back to our nature documentary, 'Baggy the Anorexic Elephant' in just a second."-Colin Mochrie

"The Beatles, Rolling Stones, Barbra Streisand, Bruce Springsteen, these are just some of the people who threatened to sue if we used their songs."-Colin Mochrie

"You know, in the 1970's, when I was in high school, I belonged to a band called the Happy Funk Band. Until an unfortunate typo caused us to be expelled from school."-Colin Mochrie

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. It's not like the sheep was underage."-Colin Mochrie

"Please call your second witness, and then call your mother, she worries."-Colin Mochrie

"I'm standing. I'm looking around. Perhaps there's
something on the Crisis Monitor, here, I turned it on. Dry skin. Just thinking about it makes me want to scratch.
Oh, that's air going into my lungs. Well, I hope my friends will get here soon to help me with this...Hey, here you come through the door. "-Colin Mochrie

"Hey, come on, I've seen younger faces on money. Money."-Colin Mochrie

"We've got to come up with a plan. Or we will-our heads will be cut off and put on a pike and they'll ride through and go, look, I got a head on a pike!"-Colin Mochrie

"Do you think it's because I'm a cannibal?-Colin Mochrie

"My mother on her death bed told me, 'Where the hell did that kangaroo come from!?' - it just popped out of nowhere and punched her in the head and caused a cerebral hemorrhage, so I thought I'd move to a country where there were no kangaroos!"-Colin Mochrie

"My god! It's a hamster with explosives taped around it's waist!"-Colin Mochrie

"I have many favorite artists...Van Gough as one, but he didn't really sing a lot!"-Colin Mochrie

"Wake up and smell the cheese!"-Colin Mochrie

"INSTRUMENTAL!"-Colin Mochrie

"He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye, and had that sort of milky film over the other one, ya..ya know, ya know what I mean? But still he was my identical twin." -Colin Mochrie

"When you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling 'em up in a carpet and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead!"-Colin Mochrie

"Hi. There was a big accident, some people got decapitated, here are their names... You know what? That shirt really makes you look fat. I mean, the colour's all wrong... I mean, who shot the drapes?" -Colin Mochrie

"Hi, well soon return you to the dyslexic production of Bitty Bitty Chang Chang..."-Colin Mochrie

"Yep. Yeah. Although many people are because of the incredible beauty of what is happening behind me. It's so beautiful. Many artists have come down just to take a rendering of it. Oh my God, it... Oh, the beauty, the beauty!"-Colin Mochrie

"Our top story tonight: Famous TV dolphin flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises."-Colin Mochrie

"I enjoy Wayne especially since he listened to my advice on how to sing a successful improv song."-Colin Mochrie, Interview

"I do enjoy working with Ryan although he owes me money."-Colin Mochrie, Interview

"He fit the description of the man I was looking for... 6 foot five, four foot two naked. Well, when he was naked, he stood like this. I was going undercover. I was going to try to look like I needed a haircut." - Colin Mochrie

"Onstage I do all the stuff I'd never do in real life, like lashing out at people who make me mad or freaking out in a long bank lineup. Performing allows me to fulfill all the sicko fantasies I've ever had."-Colin Mochrie, Interview

"We all have a dinosaur deep within us just trying to get out"-Colin Mochrie

"And if that isnt the truth, it would be a lie."-Colin Mochrie

"E: there is no E. F: same as E."-Colin Mochrie

"Knowing Ryan has really helped my career. In fact, he's basically set up my entire life. I met my wife through him; I got Whose Line through him; I got the American Whose Line through him. He's done everything but sire my child".-Colin Mochrie, Interview

"Yes, for I am the lord of the chickens."-Colin Mochrie

"General, we're under attack."-Colin Mochrie

"How will that work at night? Well Ryan will explain."-Colin Mochrie

"Is that a turkey?"-Colin Mochrie

"What kind of FBI agent are you?"-Colin Mochrie

"He was lying on the bunk like a tall girafe being pulled down by a lion hungering...for a tall girafe."-Colin Mochrie

"I'm a traveling practical joker. That's my line of work."-Colin Mochrie

"Yes, I guess I should have told you XXI years ago."-Colin Mochrie

"You know, if I don't make it when I go out there in that weather balloon into that thunder storm. I want, you to take your ear and give it to my wife."-Colin Mochrie

"I'm handsome, no ands, buts or ifs."-Colin Mochrie

"How about an omlet?"-Colin Mochrie

"Well, screw you then."-Colin Mochrie

"Many people think it's in bad taste to advertise for an insane asylum...but come on down. We're going crazy."-Colin Mochrie

"It all seemed too easy. Way too easy. That's when he did something totally unexpected. Something so crazy and wild it took me totally by surprise. Even though it was kind of funny, it still was really weird."-Colin Mochrie

"Yes. Do you think it's a better idea to cut him open and go 'augh! Look at me?' I don't think so."-Colin Mochrie

"Every song a hit, every hit a smack!"-Colin Mochrie

"This just in: Beverly Hills 90210, Cleveland Browns 3."-Colin Mochrie

"Balding Men Best Lovers In The World"-Colin Mochrie

"Look,I know this is our first date,but.....I LOVE YOU!BE WITH ME!!!"-Greg Proops

"It was really nice of you to invite me up Melanie.......NINTINDO!"-Greg Proops

"You sound hecka fun."-Greg Proops

"I love the nightlife. I like to boogie."-Greg Proops

"Thank you so much. Well Mr. Bond, I suppose you think this is it, perhaps you'd like to make love to my mistress before I fondue the world! Minky doesn't like the anchor do you Minky? You make her very upset, perhaps you'd like to drop into my pool of piranhas? Oh that one never works."-Greg Proops

"You're a big scary man in a black hat."-Greg Proops

"I thought the Egyptians had cured baldness."-Greg Proops

"I would like to thank ABC for giving me the Drew Carey award. It only goes to one lucky guy with glasses a year, and gosh darn it, tonight I'm the king of the... general area."-Greg Proops

"How would you like to make money in real estate?"-Greg Proops

"Gentlemen, today's mission is of the gravest importance. The Imir of Groovefunkistan, a small middle eastern country, is coming to visit the president in Washington, DC. However, his flight has been delayed and his burnoose is dirty. Your job is to go to his hotel, the George C. Clark hotel - you don't know him, nevermind - and clean a burnoose for the Imir of Groovefunkistan."-Greg Proops

"President Clinton celebrates the first casual Friday at the white house by wearing leather chaps."-Greg Proops

"Well, we'll be back at eleven, but stay tuned next for America's Favorite Satanists. That's been the news, good night."-Greg Proops

"And I never tell the truth, 'cause I'm the president"-Greg Proops

"Good evening everyone, I'm Twice Nightly. And this is the action news, these are the headlines. Insane cow tries moon jump, dish and spoon still missing."-Greg Proops

"That's been the news, stay tuned for America's Most Hilarious Amphibians. Coming up next."-Greg Proops

"It's a come as primate party."-Greg Proops

"Leave my cat alone, you big..."-Greg Proops

"Well, my woman stayed true, and I'm sober."-Greg Proops

"Arizona changes its state motto to Damn, it's hot."-Greg Proops

"If you hold this end, and I push the button, you'll see how the hamsters COME SHOOTING THROUGH!"-Greg Proops

"This just in: virginity abolished in southern California." -Greg Proops

"Yo. I'm from Beverly Hills, and I be pimpin'."-Greg Proops

"What am I, a genius?"-Greg Proops

"Agh, Ryan, and your name is usually Phil of Gary."-Greg Proops

"Wow, you're weird city."-Greg Proops

"Do you have your suntan oil? Well you don't need that idiot, you're going underwater."-Greg Proops

"Uh oh, Ryan's lost a hand, underwater that really sucks."-Greg Proops

"Colin is a very sexy man. That's my whole answer."-Greg Proops

"I love the out-of-doors"-Greg Proops

"And eat lots of mints, it fools the cops."-Greg Proops

"Hamsters. What's wrong with you? Get some friends."-Greg Proops

"And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get."-Drew Carey

"What a come-from-behind, pay-off-the-umpire victory they had."-Drew Carey

"A thousand points for everybody. Of course, I have to
subtract five hundred points for Ryan because he forgot to kick a photographer."-Drew Carey

"Thousand points for everybody! Usually a thousand, but for you, nine ninety-nine! Nine ninety-nine! I'm giving the points away, only nine ninety-nine! I'm craaaazy."-Drew Carey

"Hello. And welcome to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. The points here are kind of like Canada."-Drew Carey

"Colin, I'm kidding around, buddy, I'm just joking around, Colin, it was just a joke. Very sorry. I love Canada, it's the greatest place in the whole wide world. If you never saw the show before--you'll probably never see it again in Canada--what happens is, these four talented people,
including the one extra-talented one from Canada, are going to come up here, and they're going to improvise scenes for you based on suggestions from the audience and what's written on these cards, they've never seen what's on
these cards before. They're going to make up everything off the top of their head, it's really fun."-Drew Carey

"Hey, to recap the scores, people keeping track at home,
Brad: who knows, Wayne: who cares, Colin: I forgot, Ryan: minus 73."-Drew Carey

"Who ever thought that the world-famous Captain Obvious was really mild-mannered Colin Mochrie?"-Drew Carey

"Five thousand points a piece and, hey, kids, if you're at home watching this with your parents, just pretend you didn't understand that last one."-Drew Carey

"Welcome back to "Whose Line is it Anyway?", the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter. That's right, the points don't matter, just like tasteful shoes to Ryan Stiles. The points don't mean a thing. I'm sorry, was that applause? I couldn't hear it over Ryan's shoes."-Drew Carey

"They say that exercise and proper diet are the keys to a longer life, Oh well"-Drew Carey(Dirty Jokes and Beer)

"As far as exercising for my next book, How I died while Jogging"-Drew Carey(Dirty Jokes and Beer)

"The Great Circle of Crap Is Complete!"-Drew Carey

"Cow? Cow? COW! I think I hear a cow!"-Drew Carey

"You're going to be contestants on a dating type show, hoping to be picked by Chip... and aren't we all?"-Drew Carey

"Satan's in the house, it's a party!"-Wayne Brady

"Now, back in 1924, all the kids listened. They had two ears and they all listened. I'll beat your a--."-Wayne Brady

"But I will unleash the wrath of hell upon you."-Wayne Brady

"Leave rocket boy alone."-Chip Esten

"Martha Stewart said that was enough."-Chip Esten

"... and you... are a bald guy."-Chip Esten

"Well, before I guess, I choose Larry."-Chip Esten

"I love love and I love to love love."-Chip Esten

"I haven't eaten in two weeks, I'm not eating like I should. But, there in the corral, look at that now, mmmm, that horse looks good!"-Chip Esten

"Packed, I can almost hear you, but I've got my fingers in my ears."-Chip Esten

"So if you see a star and he needs a little money So come on baby give it to him this isn't funny! Just reach into your pocket, and pull out some change, Come on baby help a star it's not strange!"-Brad Sherwood

"Give your money to all these poor bleached blondes And help out, good old Potsie, Chachi, Joanie and the Fonz."-Brad Sherwood

"You might not win."-Brad Sherwood

"The last guy tried to get out of me writing him a ticket by saying, 'Kiss me, big boy, kiss me like there's no tomorrow!' I recall, I didn't write that ticket."-Brad Sherwood

"The last time I said what I 'really' thought of Colin, his wife issued a restraining order on me. And, he's not allowed to call me when he's drunk." - Brad Sherwood, Interview

"I think Bachelor number two wasn't held enough as a child."-Brad Sherwood

"Bachelor number three, woo me, woo me, woo me."-Brad Sherwood

"Does it have any stealth equipment? Because I hate those stealth elephants."-Brad Sherwood

"If you get this right, I'll give you a million dollars, and I'll show you some lovin' like you've never seen!"-Brad Sherwood

"What the hey!"-Brad Sherwood

"I love Saturday morning cartoons. What do you like to do on a Saturday morning?"-Wayne Brady
"Pray. Until the demon is gone from this child!"-Greg Proops

"But you know, we have more hits than you can possibly think about. One of my personal favorite artists is the wonderful artist named Cher. And although I love much of her late stuff, her early stuff was the stuff that I really, really loved."-Colin Mochrie
"It was good stuff."-Ryan Stiles
"Let's not say 'stuff' anymore."-Colin Mochrie

"Hi, I'm on the show with the guy."-Ryan
"I need some help."-Ryan
"Who is this?"-Colin
"It's your dad."-Ryan
"Oh, dad, hi."-Colin
"Hi. How's everything at school?"-Ryan
"Good. Have you been studying your math and your letters?"-Ryan
"For God's sake, dad, I'm 34."-Colin
"Okay, look, here are the answers, I need your help. Is it A: C, B: A, C: B, or D: D?"-Ryan
"Oh, wait, is this a trick question?"-Colin
"Yeah, it is."-Ryan
"The answer is meat."-Colin
"What letter is that? Jimmy, hello? Jimmy?"-Ryan

"To save money for sitcom stars. Take it easy. We got to keep the phones ringing people. We need to make some money. Let's check that tote board...two hundred and fifty million? Is that the best we can do?"-Ryan
"That'll barely cover the hair mousse for the set of Friends. Keep giving people!"-Colin

"Sorry, the speaker's broken. You wanted fries?"-Ryan
"You want fries with that?"-Ryan
"While I was working on the fries, I had this incredible plan that would get from him the location of the Maltese Burger."-Colin
"Here you go."-Ryan
"Thanks. Where's the Maltese Burger?"-Colin
"I didn't know whether I should tell him or not. I didn't know whether it was some elaborate plan or just a simple question. Pardon?"-Ryan
"He was playing me like he'd play a fish. I can't make it much clearer than that."-Colin

"A thousand points to those of us who have seen Ryan naked. That's like everybody in America. A lot of people forget that on the Drew Carey Show, Ryan and I have been totally naked."-Drew
"Of course, some of us needed a wide-angle lens."-Ryan
"And some of us needed a zoom."-Drew

"X Marks the Spot, come on! X Marks the Spot! What a stupid name for a horse."-Colin
"Zither! Go Zither go! Not as stupid as Zither."-Drew

"You know, I find when my wife is cheating, it's best to put her in an oven at three-fifty for two hours."-Ryan
"Let's try. Now because, now because we couldn't do this on a regular show, we have a prepared wife in the other oven."-Wayne

"What holds you to the earth?"-Drew
"Why, my love for you, Drew."-Greg

"Ok, 'personal ads that wouldn't get a response'"-Drew
"Slightly balding superhero..."-Colin
"Slightly? Yeah, and I'm slightly overweight."-Drew

"Didn't you see that sign back there? It said 'Always keep a jellyfish in your handbag!'"-Brad
"I've got a jellyfish right here!"-Ryan
"Yes, but it's not in your handbag."-Brad

"You are a woman! Have you not noticed?"-Ryan
"No, I've been too busy shoutin'."-Colin


"Who are you calling better?"-Wayne
"Certainly not you."-Colin
"I hate you!"-Wayne
"I can live with that."-Colin


"You know Colin, growing up in the 40's as I did, there's one song that's close to my heart to this day. It's a do-wop hit... I don't know if you remember it..."-Ryan
"No, I don't."-Colin
"I don't either. It's a Do-wop hit and its title is..."-Ryan
"Oh, the anticipation is incredible. I bet it's going to be so hilarious!"-Colin
"Have I told you how much I love working with you?"-Ryan


"Was that lit?"-Ryan
"Oh yeah, it was. It would have been better if your head burst into flames."-Colin


"Long and winding road."-Ryan
"There ain't nothing like a dame."-Colin
"It's raining men."-Colin
"Beat it."-Ryan
"Eat it!"-Colin
"I'm Henry the Eighth I am!"-Ryan
"I am woman!"-Colin
"I am the walrus!"-Ryan


"You know, when I used to ride a bus, or as our canadian friends would say a 'bouse'."-Colin
"You made me giggle!"-Ryan


"People you wish would just shut-up."-Drew
"People you wish would just shut-up."-Wayne


"I'm giving you 1000 points for the zippers on your pants. What's that about?"-Drew
Wayne: It's my tribute to Michael! [imitates Michael Jackson]"-Wayne
"Hey! We should all get zippers on our pants if Wayne's gonna have'em!"-Drew
"They don't let me around zippers"-Ryan


"She drove into my gas station. She looked like she'd been under a car for three days. But there was something mystical, something alluring in those eyes. I knew I had to serve her. Fill her up?"-Colin
"Yeah, why don't you stick your hose in there and pump away. I knew he didn't remember, not since the operation. But he would soon."-Ryan
"There was something about that walk. Something reminded me of my best friend at school, Richard. We used to make fun of him. I wonder, could this be? Say, uh, Richard."-Colin
"[Turns his head toward Colin, then catches himself] Richard? Who in the hell is Richard?"-Ryan
"My plan didn't work."-Colin
"His plan almost worked"-Ryan


"Why is this ventriloquist dummy in here?"-Colin
"I wanted to surprise you. Look, I thought of new ways to cook. [pretends hand is dummy]"-Ryan
"I'll cook with you!"-Ryan's Hand
"Look, this is Skippy, souffle boy. He will help you put the souffl in the oven. Put it in his mouth, put it in his mouth!"-Ryan
"What is wrong with you? EVERY year you try something stupid like this. Last year it was the pogo stick."-Colin
"I'm just trying to spice up things in the kitchen."-Ryan


"Yes, the wonderful country of Africa."-Drew
"And if you took geography, you'd know Africa's a continent."-Greg